I love the Olympics, you know I do. I have memories of my father ooohing and aaahing over Wilma Rudolph (must have been 1964, but I’m not that clear on it); I definitely remember Peggy Fleming in figure skating and Bob Beamon in long jump—although Daddie did have to explain to me the magnitude of the accomplishment, I was sitting there watching it with him. And I remember the NY Daily News back cover photo of Olga Korbut folded in half backwards on the balance beam, and I remember that I had to get down on the floor (the bulletin board on one side, the wall-mounted phone on the other, blocking access to the bathroom from the kitchen/dinette) and try to work myself into the same position: she made it look so easy, I had to experience for myself that it was a physical impossibility.

So I have two important thoughts on this year’s return to the birthplace of the Olympics:

1. I’m sorry, but the laurel wreaths look goofy. On everyone. I appreciate the significance, the history, and if you want me to I could muse upon the fact that giving the same laurel wreath to all of the medal winners in a more noble honor to the pursuit of athletic excellence than the awarding of graded medals. But they look goofy without the toga. (Yes, I know togas were Roman and the Olympics were Greek and a thousand years separate the two. You know what I mean.)

2. I’m old enough to remember the notorious female East German swimmers who were suspiciously muscular and looked like men, and they must have been taking steroids because girls don’t look like that. (Ya know, it wasn’t even just the East Germans. We said that about the entire Communist Bloc.) So, now that the big scandal with female athletes is that so many of them have posed, scantily clad, for a whole slew of men’s magazines, I say, What’s the Problem? They kick ass on the field of competition and they look good in a miniskirt. Try to keep up, guys. My only problem is that I understand that the beach volleyball competition has cheerleaders. What bimb-ified cheerleader is hotter than Misty May? Those girls must be too stupid to know they’re outclassed.